Why a letter? Why this letter? Simple...because I express myself better through written words than I do in speaking the words. I am emotional and when an emotion hits me it is usually followed and/or interupted by tears.

I'm not happy. I'm hurting...physically which is leading to an emotional drain on my heart. Point blank, I feel like I am being tossed around in a horrible horrible game. I feel like you don't fully understand my pain. I feel like only part of my story is getting through and the rest...well it's like you point to a GYN related issue only to find the GYN doctor pointing a finger right back at you, my GI doctor. This is terribly frustrating for me. So while all this finger pointing goes on, I suffer, until I can't tolerate it any longer and I break down and ask for something to help me get through. Pain meds. So ontop of the physical pain and the emotional pain from being tossed around, I now feel ashamed. All I can think is wonderful now ontop of everything they probably think I am some junkie. Wrong. I'm hurting and don't I have rights as a patient to not have to suffer?

My desires to NOT be on pain medications are just as strong as your desires of not wanting to prescribe it. I'd so much rather be well and not have to take anything. Even the thought of needing tylenol can make my insides twist into knots. Honestly I would be completely content in life if I just had to take my Humira and a multi-vitamin. I wish and hope and pray to be well so I won't need anything else.

I don't understand why only my family and friends understand my frustrations on this. How is it, that the people who are suppose to be there to heal are not helping me? I'd so much rather the root of my pain be found and I live healthy and whole and drug free.

How do I convey the hurt I feel inside when I feel like a weak mother infront of my precious children? How do I make you see that I want to be a strong mother for my children and never have to show them the side of me that is weak, hurting, crouched up in a ball in pain? How do I make you see how guilty I feel for running to the bathroom in the middle of watching a movie with my husband. Guilty because I feel liked I've ruined the few short moments we have to spend together alone. Guilty because he's a good man, who doesn't complain that'd Ive run off at the best part of the movie, who doesn't complain when I need to squeeze his hand while I endure another episode of gut wretching cramping in my tummy. How do I make you see, that I cry inside when I tell my mom and dad how bad I hurt. I tell them because just like my husband they are my best friends. But just like any other child it pains me inside to tell them because I only want to make them happy. I don't want them to hurt with me because as I've learned as a mother myself, something that hurts your child. hurts you the parent just as much. And why shold I have to hide my pain from my parents and why should they have to suffer too? My parents are two awesome people who only deserve to see their daughter happy so they can see how much an amazing job they did in raising me. My reasons to make my parents proud are cut short when I'm debilitated. My joy in motherhood is put on hold as I see myself hurting through the eyes of my children. My cherished moments with my husband are interupted by pain, pain that I do not want my husband to feel, felt through the connection of our hearts.

I'm sorry that my medical history is long, complicated and very elusive. I know it's hard to treat a disease in which there is no known cure or even a proven theory as to its cause.

I honestly do not know what is causing my pain. I do not know if its coming from my gut or female organs. I understand the best thing to do is to rule out female issues so that a course of action can be taken. But while I wait for things to be ruled out, why must I suffer? I suffer physically and then emotionally because in addition to everything else I feel like my doctors are thinking that I am imagining my pain. I honeslty do not know what hurts worse...feeling the physical pain or feeling like my healthcare team doesn't trust me.

The questioning and the looks I receive when I describe my symptoms is all I need to feel this mental anguish. When I say I have 7 bowel movements a day and they are completely loose and never formed I get that look, the look backed with the facts that tests have been run on my stool and reveal nothing abnormal. Fine. But it's the truth that I do not have a formed stool...ever. I'd gladly put my embarressment aside to have someone follow me to the bathroom every time to prove this. If anything, I downplay as much of the negative as I can when I talk about my health.

Please, just help me. Help me find the cause behind my physical pain. Help me live my life they way I want to live it, in happiness. I shouldn't have to feel like the only way to end my suffering is to take my own life. Drastic, yes. Reality, not possible. I am too strong my faith always prevails.