Food wars

Today is one of those days...

The girls decided to protest their milk this morning. And now, breakfast has gone untouched. Waffles and sausage, one of their favs, and nothing... Time to make something else and feed feed feed. Oatmeal with apples and raisins. Wish me luck!

Why a letter? Why this letter? Simple...because I express myself better through written words than I do in speaking the words. I am emotional and when an emotion hits me it is usually followed and/or interupted by tears.

I'm not happy. I'm hurting...physically which is leading to an emotional drain on my heart. Point blank, I feel like I am being tossed around in a horrible horrible game. I feel like you don't fully understand my pain. I feel like only part of my story is getting through and the rest...well it's like you point to a GYN related issue only to find the GYN doctor pointing a finger right back at you, my GI doctor. This is terribly frustrating for me. So while all this finger pointing goes on, I suffer, until I can't tolerate it any longer and I break down and ask for something to help me get through. Pain meds. So ontop of the physical pain and the emotional pain from being tossed around, I now feel ashamed. All I can think is wonderful now ontop of everything they probably think I am some junkie. Wrong. I'm hurting and don't I have rights as a patient to not have to suffer?

My desires to NOT be on pain medications are just as strong as your desires of not wanting to prescribe it. I'd so much rather be well and not have to take anything. Even the thought of needing tylenol can make my insides twist into knots. Honestly I would be completely content in life if I just had to take my Humira and a multi-vitamin. I wish and hope and pray to be well so I won't need anything else.

I don't understand why only my family and friends understand my frustrations on this. How is it, that the people who are suppose to be there to heal are not helping me? I'd so much rather the root of my pain be found and I live healthy and whole and drug free.

How do I convey the hurt I feel inside when I feel like a weak mother infront of my precious children? How do I make you see that I want to be a strong mother for my children and never have to show them the side of me that is weak, hurting, crouched up in a ball in pain? How do I make you see how guilty I feel for running to the bathroom in the middle of watching a movie with my husband. Guilty because I feel liked I've ruined the few short moments we have to spend together alone. Guilty because he's a good man, who doesn't complain that'd Ive run off at the best part of the movie, who doesn't complain when I need to squeeze his hand while I endure another episode of gut wretching cramping in my tummy. How do I make you see, that I cry inside when I tell my mom and dad how bad I hurt. I tell them because just like my husband they are my best friends. But just like any other child it pains me inside to tell them because I only want to make them happy. I don't want them to hurt with me because as I've learned as a mother myself, something that hurts your child. hurts you the parent just as much. And why shold I have to hide my pain from my parents and why should they have to suffer too? My parents are two awesome people who only deserve to see their daughter happy so they can see how much an amazing job they did in raising me. My reasons to make my parents proud are cut short when I'm debilitated. My joy in motherhood is put on hold as I see myself hurting through the eyes of my children. My cherished moments with my husband are interupted by pain, pain that I do not want my husband to feel, felt through the connection of our hearts.

I'm sorry that my medical history is long, complicated and very elusive. I know it's hard to treat a disease in which there is no known cure or even a proven theory as to its cause.

I honestly do not know what is causing my pain. I do not know if its coming from my gut or female organs. I understand the best thing to do is to rule out female issues so that a course of action can be taken. But while I wait for things to be ruled out, why must I suffer? I suffer physically and then emotionally because in addition to everything else I feel like my doctors are thinking that I am imagining my pain. I honeslty do not know what hurts worse...feeling the physical pain or feeling like my healthcare team doesn't trust me.

The questioning and the looks I receive when I describe my symptoms is all I need to feel this mental anguish. When I say I have 7 bowel movements a day and they are completely loose and never formed I get that look, the look backed with the facts that tests have been run on my stool and reveal nothing abnormal. Fine. But it's the truth that I do not have a formed stool...ever. I'd gladly put my embarressment aside to have someone follow me to the bathroom every time to prove this. If anything, I downplay as much of the negative as I can when I talk about my health.

Please, just help me. Help me find the cause behind my physical pain. Help me live my life they way I want to live it, in happiness. I shouldn't have to feel like the only way to end my suffering is to take my own life. Drastic, yes. Reality, not possible. I am too strong my faith always prevails.

Take a look around...you're not alone.

Honestly I have never seen with such clarity the ties that hold people together. Not physical ties. I'm speaking of ties that most people never really think about. Often times we are too selfish as a person to think of anything but ourselves and our present, past or even future circumstances. Now don't get me wrong, I truly believe we all need a certain level of selfishness, some more than others.

Looking around I see these ties... I see that so many people out there are going through what I consider trying times. This brings me a level of comfort and displeasure at the same time. Comfort because I know that I'm not alone in my hardships. Displeasure because I just hate for anyone to feel the anguish of a hardship.

I see now, that it doesn't matter what someone is going through. Pain, it's all the same. So many people around me are struggling. Friends, family, people on the news that I don't even know...all going through some type of pain. Financial distress, marital conflicts, health and wellness battles, grief, strife...it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how trivial or how astonishing it is. All that matters is we are all connected. We all go through something at one time or another. We don't have to feel alone. We don't have to think there is no way out. We have to dig deep and see that life is a gift. A very precious gift.

I'm sorry to leave this entry so muddled. I will try to expound on this later. As for right now, my girls are getting ready to awaken from their naps and I want to greet them with open arms and not a laptop.

When hurting takes on a whole new meaning.

I'm sitting here hurting. I feel a heaviness beyond all heaviness in my heart. I hurt for people. I hurt right now for all those people in this world who are suffering. I hate suffering, no matter what the cause, be it physical, emotional, financial, whatever, I hate suffering. To me it's all the same. No one issue is bigger or more complex than another. If you're hurting, if you're suffering, that's all that matters.

Which way is the arrow pointing now?

I wish I could express my level of frustration right now but I honestly do not think any amount of words could convey the absolute anger I feel. Health care...what is that? I don't think someone, namely a doctor, can help you unless they've been there themselves. This was a reason why I wanted to become a doctor. I wanted to provide patients with a new way of looking at their circumstances. Unfortunately I have been derailed from that path (maybe for only a while maybe indefinitely - who knows?) but either way, I wish and I pray that health care, not only in America, but everywhere, gets the attention it deserves. I pray wisdom and compassion over health care professionals and I pray for peace (of mind, body and soul) in anyone who is a patient looking for an answer.

The hubby sent me a picture via the blackberry. He's getting ready to have his instructors picture taken I think. Anyway, there's something to be said for a man in uniform because whew he was h-o-t.

Bear

Girls are in bed...alseep? No, not yet. NataLee looks like she has stopped squirming and has settled in. KayLee, nope, shes laying there doing everything she can to stay awake. Thankfully she's quiet. Gotta love my video monitors.

***had to run and calm a yelling KayLee down. She realized a bear was missing from her entourage of nap time/night time buddies. Thankfully I was able to calm her and boom, now both girls are sleeping soundly. *Note to self: Find Bear before bedtime!!!! Actually let me spend a few minutes now trying to look. The blog can wait a few more minutes.


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Let's dip it in ketchup!

I'm sitting here watching my two little girls happily devour their lunch, hurray! I decided to try something new today, you know me and my feeble attempts to get my girls to eat more. Today I baked some french fries and chicken nuggets. Can't go straight to healthy food with a toddler and pre-schooler because it's completely worthless. I also let them feel like big girls by including a little bowl of ketchup for dipping their goodies. I see so far, the french fries are a hit but the chicken, not so much, but I'm not throwing the towel yet, lunch isn't over and I see KayLee has just grabbed a nugget. Annnnd let's not forget that I also gave them a Gerber Strawberry Nutritional drink. NataLee thinks its a milkshake and has been happily sipping away. I'm really trying to increase my girls nutritional intake and also open their worlds to new and exciting foods. The second part is much harder than I thought it would be.

***going to check plates

NataLee has eaten 1 chicken...oy. KayLee has not touched any...double oy.

They are enjoying the ketchup a little too much. Can we say, ketchup fingers. Joy, clean-up should be lots of fun, haha.

Ohhh wonderful KayLee has bit into a nugget. I'll take 1 fully eaten nugget as a good sign. I'm sure the kids get tired of my food nagging, lol.

Time to do the food encouragement dance and see how much more we can get down before they enjoy some fresh strawberries and whip cream and quiet time to prepare for naps.

Hoping naps will go well this afternoon because I have lots to come back and type about.

right vs. wrong

As I sit here glancing at both of my baby video monitors I wonder if what I'm doing (what my husband and I do) is right...

The first thing that came to mind was to grab a book or buy another book about baby/toddler sleeping. I'm not even sure if there are any left out there that I have not read. I've been reading up on baby sleep ever since I found out I was pregnant with my first baby, nearly 4 and a half years old. While these books gave me numerous methods to try and help my little one sleep, none of them actually worked. The only thing I gained was the feeling I wasn't the only one out there and that this too shall pass. While it stinks to be in this predicament, it does help knowing there are others like me (some worse even) who made it through this difficult time.

Now as I sit here I keep telling myself, right vs. wrong. You know, I wonder... I don't think there is any right or wrong answer. Honestly, it's just what works. One method may be good for one family while another may good for another. Does this mean one of them is wrong? No. Of course not.

So what does work for me? I don't know to be honest. I can tell you what doesn't. Crying it out. Whew, that's been a tough subject for me since day one. Also nursing my toddler to sleep also isn't working anymore. It could, if I let it, but I really have gotten tired (physically and mentally) of nursing my youngest baby girl. I started off nursing only to achieve a year long nursing relationship. I did. I chose to continue on. Why? Because 1. my baby had no intentions of stopping, 2. she never took a bottle, 3. I loved the bonding time, 4. do I honestly need more reasons?

So here it is, day #3 of operation "no more boo-bee." All is well. NataLee has asked to nurse a few times here and there and seems to drop the asking when I tell her no more, you're a big girl now. The hardest part of this whole change is naptime. As if I do not have a hard enough time getting both of my girls to nap or sleep at night. Nursing NataLee to sleep use to be the only way I could get her to fall asleep. Typically this would mean, nursing her on the couch until she was out. Sometimes I would test my luck and carry her to her bed and lay her down. 50% of the time it would work and she'd stay alseep for 1-2 hours. The other 50% of the time she'd wake up and I'd have to start all over again and watch out if she cried while I laid her down...that risked waking her sister KayLee up in the next room or if KayLee wasn't alseep, that act an an invitation to come out into the living room where I was once again trying to get NataLee to sleep. In most cases I ended up with 2 wide awake children.

What did I do yesterday? Hmmm I tucked KayLee in her bed and she fell asleep. I took NataLee to my room and put her in my bed, laid down next to her for a few minutes and she fell asleep.

Today I tucked KayLee in her bed which she potested against sleep. Then I tucked NataLee in her bed which she protested against as well. So I closed both girls bedrooms doors and told them goodnight, I love you, now go to sleep. This didn't work. NataLee climbed out of bed and knocked on the door calling mommy mommy for a few minutes. When her tone changed and she began saying mommy hold me, hold me mommy, I decided to go and get her. I tried again to tuck her in and put my head down next to her, but she was not having it. So I picked her up and told her if I rock you, you have to go to sleep. I rocked her for 2 minutes and she was out. Then I laid her in her bed, BOOM, again, success and that is where she is now, in her bed asleep.

As I closed NataLee's door I went in to peek at KayLee. She wasn't in her bed. I found her in the bathroom playing on the floor. She's just learning to potty all by herself o I never protest when she's going potty, but this playing wasn't going to cut it. I told her to get back in her bed and go to sleep. She climbed back into bed. I am here looking at her monitor....she's not asleep. She is just laying there wiggling around every so often.

I can't imagine that KayLee is outgrowing her naps because just yesterday I tucked her in, without a word and she slept for 2 hours and 15 minutes.

*sigh*

I struggle so much with the question, am I doing the right thing for my children?" This is what keeps me up at night, this is what makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. I hate feeling like I am doing my children more harm than good. But honestly, what is right? Even if the answer is what works for your family is right, well, wht happens when things change?

*yawn*

Today is one of those days...those days where getting my girls to eat a full and complete meal is next to impossible. You know how it is with a 3 and 2 year old... one day they eat like crazy and the next, well getting a bird to eat more would be easier. The past fews days my girls were eating all three meals and snacks too. Easy. No problem. This of course makes me so happy. Today however is another story. Neither of them ate half of their breakfast and now that it is time for lunch I can already see that I am going to be fighting this battle again. What makes me stress about the lunch time battle, is, it is too close to naptime. This can sometimes (and often does) interfer with them laying down and actually sleeping. Hoping I can get both girls to eat and nap this afternoon. I guess if I come back here and post, then you'll know my girls are asleep.

Time to make and serve lunch to my two cuties.

And please, cold weather, can you give us a break?

woot!

Hurray! I just looked over my past blogs and realized, that one long entry that I thought I had completely lost, was partially saved. I guess there is some automatic save thing going on. Sweeeet! So I went ahead and posted it. Too bad as I read it I realize some things in that entry haven't changed much nearly a year later. Yes, that means NataLee is still nursing.

Actually I should say...is finally starting to stop nursing. Today is day #3 in our struggle to get NataLee to forget nursing. NataLee is 25 months old now and she eats well and I have many other ways I can comfort her now. I pray this continues to go well and NataLee can get past comfort nursing. I'm drained in more ways than one, haha. I wonder who this will be harder on? Her? Or me?

Did I mention how proud I am of myself that I have nursed her this long? Before she was born I was aiming for a year. I had days where I never thought I would even make it year but look at me now! A happy and healthy two-year old who stills loves to nurse. I will be sad to lose my instant cry stopping capabilites and even more the special bonding time we share. There is something to be said for the way your baby looks into your eyes as you nurse her? The complete look of happiness, joy, comfort and love cannot compare to anything else. It is this reason I am 100% thankful and grateful for the nursing times NataLee and I have shared (even if they were 3am and sleep deprived. My only concern now is to wean her off without hardship to either of us. Fingers crossed, so far so good.

Fruits and Veggies

As mentioned in a previous entry I am not a morning person. Don't get me wrong, I don't care to sit and spend all day in bed either. For me it's all about 8 hours of sleep. If I go to bed early, mornings are cake. Unfortunately I went to bed a little later than I should have last night and so even 7 am was like, draggin... Too bad I don't do the coffee thing, because I am sure at this point that would have helped. Tonight I will make a more conscious effort to get my butt in bed and to sleep by 10. Can it be done? We'll see. The great news is sleeping has been an easier task than it once was. I guess it is because I am slowly but surely tackling my to-do list one by one. Yesterday I got that dreaded big grocery shopping done and I was surprised at how near budget I came. You just have to love coupons. Coupons are like a game to me and I am always trying to up the total dollar amount saved. Such a nerd I know.

I have a lot more to type but right now I must make sure my little girls bellies are full and then help them brush their little teeth. Have you ever known two little girls who could spend all day brushing their teeth if you let them? That's my girls, they could brush their teeth ALL morning if you let them. I hope this bodes well when we see the dentist soon.

Lazy Sunday...

Yes, that is exactly what today is and has been, a lazy Sunday. I think maybe I'll go make some of my homemade chili. My poor neighbor...he's probably wondering when I am going to cook him another meal. I was making him dinners nearly every night before we left to go to Virginia for Christmas. His wife is still in the hospital. I think I'll need to cook even more when my neighbor's wife gets home because I am sure they'd both appreciate a meal. I mean really, it's going to be enough for my neighbor to care for his wife, let alone having to worry about a meal. I'm glad I enjoy cooking. Ok, yeah that really is an understatement, I adore cooking, especially cooking for people who love to eat. Although I really don't think anyone can top me in that department, I LOVE TO EAT! :)

Off to sing nursery rhymes with my girls and make my award winning chili. (Yes I said award winning! I won 1st place in the chili cook off back in NC.) Too bad the hubby has 24 hour duty because I know he'd enjoy a nice bowl to go along with his football watching. Speaking of football, boohoo, the Patriots season is over. Hope next year they decide to actually show up. Maybe I'll even get back into football like I use to be, who knows????

Adios amigos!

Crohn's Dx

Crohn's disease. So yeah, as you may (or may not) have read in my earlier post...I have Crohn's. What is that you ask? Simply, a disease of the digestive tract. Plainly...mine doesn't always like to act right. Think stomach bug...x 1000000! Okay, so no, maybe it's not that bad, but it can be, has been and hopefully will never be again. I say that last part with real optimism and for good reason. I've had Crohn's for 15 years. Doesn't seem so long unless I put myself into the thoughts of any of my most recent flares. I was diagnosed at age 15, treated and remained in the care of some awesome doctors in Washington DC. I was well for a long time. As with any chronic disease though I had relapses. Again I was treated (surgically - on more than one occasion) and followed by those aforementioned great doctors.



Life changed though and I met the love of my life and we committed ourselves to one another in what I would call the wedding of my dreams. My love joined the United States Marine Corps, we married and we began our journey together. This meant moving to a new state and leaving my awesome doctors.



I have yet to find that same level of care. It didn't seem possible that any other doctors had both the bedside manner and level of expertise that my old doctors had. I got sick often but nonetheless kept positive. During this time, through the grace of God, I became pregnant twice and carried two little girls to term, delivering my precious angels, KayLee in 2006 and NataLee in 2007. My Crohn's got really mad at me during that first pregnancy and thankfully decided to give me a break during my second (I felt better during those 37 weeks than I had since before I was diagnosed).



As military life would have it, it was time to move again. As if my husbands recent return from Iraq (during which our 2nd baby was born...yes without him) wasn't enough. We embraced it though and off to Pensacola we went. And low and behold, again, no doctor(s) seemed good enough. I was even more disappointed here, than I was in North Carolina and I was in worse shape. Not a good time to dislike your Crohn's team. Regardless things were just too much and I underwent surgery again in August 2009. I still don't know know if it helped. I don't think I would have needed it if I were listened to and treated instead of tolerated.



Through my faith in God, love for my family and a desire to want more out of life, I decided to make a change. I found one good doctor (although not for my Crohn's, a hematologist who treated my anemia) and that lead to the finding of another. Hallelujah! This is a great source of joy to me. Why? Because I am finally being heard and I finally am starting to feel like myself. I think I have found a new doctor who seems to have both the bedside manner and expertise to get me well and help me stay that way. Yes, I do believe the word cure will grace my life one day soon.

Let go.

Release. Yes, this is one (of many) reasons behind my new found interest in blogging. I'm a stresser, no doubt about it, and I thought maybe I could purge some of that stress right here and get on with life. Seriously, it can't hurt. I tend to worry, obsess even, way too much and well that can't be good for someone with Crohn's Disease. So here's to yet another positive ambition in 2010!

Annnnnd because I can be completely random, I just thought I would mention, I absolutely love when my husband leaves new, put-together sippy cups out for me. No fumbling around in the morning trying to put cups together when those things irritate me as it is. And in case you don't know, yeah, I am not a morning person.

Time to help my little girls brush their teeth.

twenty-ten baby!

Yes, again, I am attempting to blog. Hey it's a new year and a new decade so maybe that'll give me even more motivation to follow through. Although, honestly, a few other things have sparked my interest in blogging again and I am sure they will come out as I continue to blog...and I will. ;-)